what i've been looking for.

Friday, July 10, 2009

After the internship 8:58 PM

Ah how can i put into the words what i have experienced during the internship?

SO many mixed emotions. It was painful, fun, lonely, heart-warming, harsh, enlightening. How do i look back at the people there? There were 8 of us. It had finally ended on tuesday. I have suffered, tears were shed, and yet i look back longingly.

I will never be part of the group, but now that everything is over, i want to be in. I showed my bad sides to them first - my cheapskate, stalking, obtuse and inappropriate sides. Add to that my attempts at cold jokes. I was ostracised. And then the guys stepped in before the situation got worse. My bubble was bursted, and boy did it hurt. Then i tried to contain myself, and became quieter. I often walked alone, or people walked away from me. The days passed and my project partner left me. The internship culminated as i rushed through the report, while settling Exchange matters. And it ended.

I will always remember the heart to heart talks in the afternoons after lunch. I never knew i will tell a group of as yet unknown people my circumstances in Love. And i got to hear their's too. And all the honest feedback i got about my character, life-views, working clothes etc. Painful but still true.

SO do i still turn up for group outings? Knowing that i will still be the silent one, an outsider, but still wanting to be with them as they know so (too) much about me. But i dont want it to happen again.

These days, i feel so weak and lonely. Like whatever i have been doing, isnt within my control and wont amount to much. Im sick too, as i usually am after major endeavours where i put in too much.

Have been sleeping much, but feel restless and tired of the computer. Have to settle Exchange matters too. So many things to do, and yet there's nothing left for me.

I need some time to reflect upon the past 8 weeks of internship...