what i've been looking for.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Some time alone (finally) 2:05 PM

Ah the past week of socialising had been too much for me. Not that it's a bad thing to meet up with my 2 OGs, but it's tiring for a person who needs some time to recharge and to stabilise herself and her ideals before meeting large groups of people.

And the time is TODAY! I shall rest at home to use the com, read some nice manga (which i borrowed from JE library), and maybe even go Causeway Point to shop and eat around. ^^ Ahhhh I just remembered i HAVE to go exercise too! My bulging stomach!!!

I bought 2 tops from This Fashion yesterday. I regret buying them now. The $$ ting strikes again! I was thinking to myself, What's with clothes? Mere pieces of coloured cloth that cover the body, which can never change what is within. But perhaps it's to hide inadequacies. But Im still thinking bout the nice $10.95 clothes at Ice Lemon Tee!

Ok some recaps as to my movements the past week. Nothing really memorable, as of now, as the relations of my second OG, The Flintstones, are still commercial. I wonder how we can bring it up to another level, a sustainable one that i can rely on in uni days. Unlikely? Hmmmm... I crave for reliability, trust, and concern. Is it too much to hope for in uni? I have met some whom i can click with in Flintsones. Some, Im still trying to cross their borders, while some are impenatratable.

Monday, 16 July, A work day
My (last) day to get to work with Yiwei? (she's vacationing at Japan now) A fellow NUS gal, second year in Food Chem. The first day i met her was in the first week of my work, wheni was crazily tensed up. She helped soothe my nerves and was like my idol. But the chemistry waned over the next few meetings, to be perked up by Pak Wing (another fellow NUS guy, final semester in some Engineering ^^) in the last few weeks. And there's also Corrine, the new (poor ting!) gal who shall be a substitute for a few EOAs (that was my job position). We really hit off on my last day, she is quite like me :3.

Tuesday, 17 July, Off day
Went to visit my maternal grandma at AMK hospital. A melancholy feeling. Almost fell asleep there as it was a drowsy afternoon and they were all talking in Teochew. -_- Next, some solitary shopping, then i visited Lyndia at her house. Some back injury involving her spine's discs. '_' Why are health problems queueing up to get her? She commented that her meals consists of pills and more pills. We played Diablo 2 (ah nostalgia!!! ^^), had a nice evening walk/chat, and i insisted that i have to go home already. But reaching Causeway Point, i continued my solitary shopping. I just didnt feel like going home, and had the restless, bored feelings pent up within. My mum said maybe it's cuz im worrying bout something subconsciously. Perhaps? Change is afoot, and i still dun wanna get off my old rickety boat for a new one.

Wed, 18 July, Off Day
Harry Potter treat with Andrea! It was weird though, as i was surrounded by Citibank peeps i have never met, and i remained quiet throughout. A sneak peek into the different social conditions all of us are facing, and to hark back to those days, am i the only one? (the song, Juan Lian by FIR, fits my mood perfectly now). And after the movie, I met Eddie (how coincidental, an ex Citibanker!) to go Clarke Quay to meet the rest of the Flintstones. A nice guy, though a past incident still makes me wary. He has the appearance of a Ah Beng, but he's from HCJC and is actually a great person to talk to. And so i was greeted with the OG having fun at Pitstops, a boardgame cafe. As we are so used to playing games with each other during camp days, it's a good continuation.

Some musings bout my different personas in the 2 OGs
In Flintstones, i was the spark during camping days, providing comic relief and was cheer i/c some times. It was something i had always wanted to be, to be the centre of (positive) attention, which i used to be in Primary 6 (which i said was my happiest time in School). But after the camp, i just do not know how to continue in the same vein. As i find myself reverting back to the thoughtful me, im closing up rapidly. Being high in camp is easily done, but im not sure how to be that in normal, formal social situations like gatherings. To be in camp again, pottering about in FBTs. Ah, is it the clothes issue cropping up again?

In Ajax, I wasnt as high or prominent as in Union camp. But im in the same situation.

I need some time to think about this discrepancy.. To be so caught up in social quandries again. I need to strengthen the base first.

Friday, 20 July, (supposed to be) the last work day
And 2 months passes by so fast. I was the last A level EOA to join the company, and i remember the first few weeks, when the multimedia room at the back of the centre was full of Curriculum people, all gals of the same age. Slowly, most left, to be replaced by senior EOAs from previous years. And the room was taken over. I only get to go to the room when im having my lunch as i work at the counter in Operations. And i laid my eyes for the last time on Shu yu, Ying feng and Rachel, and Shandy from above (the headquarters). Nice chocolates were passed around.

Saturday, 21 July, Off Day
Ah the day is running out on me. SO many things to do! eh but wait, isnt today to be my day of relaxation? But I do like to squeeze many things in a day. Ok on Saturday, it was another Flintstones gathering, this time for Squid's (he tells us to call him that) 21st birthday party. And before that i met some gals, Uncle Sinchiang and Jason (who unwittingly got initiated in the Sisterhood), for some tea, cakes and shopping. And the group relies on Scandals to keep things lively in interesting. And at Squid's house, there were phases of sian-ness. And yee wen commented 'i tot SA gals were supposed to be ra ra types' as i was stoning most of the time, so differnet from my camp personna. Which got me thinking bout all the stereotypes that get built up over the years of our lives. Why? (and Hoobastank's The Reason, blasts from the speakers)

Sunday, 22nd July, back to work! -_-
And that day shall be my official final day of work (this month). No more soft heartedness! And the final day was with Pak WIng, Chung how, and Corrine. Ah the addition of Pak Wing half way thru my working days was like a breather. He's capable (read- good for sai kang! ^^), smooth and humourous. And together with Yi wei, we form a nice trio! Hopefully our relations shall stretch beyond that of work and we can continue to hit off, in the proposed meeting at FASS canteen. ^^ And on this day, i had a nice, spirited P5-6 science clinic session, which makes me feel so alive, involving myself in loud intellectual debate. ^^ I shall miss the adorable kids i've met in the clinic sessions. And dusk sets in, and it's time to leave the company. A spate of solitary shopping once more.

Yesterday, 23rd July, first day of freedom
Met with Cindi (my partner from Ajax) in the morn at NUS for our medical checkup! Saw Wanting and Jason (from FLintstones) there too. They were going to the Union Camp screening of the Harry Potter movie (but nah, i didnt go. Need a breather from Flintstones :3). And i did my first urine test, and x ray, subject to embarresment, involving positioning, colour, bras, and white shirts. The highest part of the day, i think, was when Cindi and i chatted bout our camps after our delicious Subway meal. (borrowed the NUS student card for a discount from Chooi Sum's (a Juz Edu colleague, we were friendly initially before the camps. I wondered what happened) Rag dance group, and my does she look different and less friendly! Hmm..)

And after that, Cindi and i went to do some eyebrow threading (ah bao! the very same indian shop! ^^), window shopping, JE library, IMM. And we bid farewell. She made me realise that to get out of the box, to be yourself instead of a follower, to be gung ho, is the way for peronal contentment. Her experience at Sports Camp have made her a stronger gal. Which sets me thinking (even more).

And after finding out that Shu Ying will be leaving Singapore today, i quickly went back to clementi last nite to jon her and woei lin at Kbox. Tired, but i was glad i did it. Shu Ying still had the same voice (not gender wise, as she thought ^^) and the same mannerisms. Was i expecting her to change that much? But perhaps the one hour meeting wasnt enough to dig more. It didnt feel like she was away that long. The familiar feeling is still there. And somehow, im at my most lucid and sober around her. :)

And a trip to NTUC upon reaching home with lil sis just kicks out another theory of mine. That im too caught up in me, in my own bubble, unaware of the international and local and individual world that im in. And that's why people think im blur (in FLintstones). And i let them believe that. Is it better for people to think you're blur or sharp? Less responsibilities please. Growing up, u bear more for your own actions. You cant blame others. You have to be accountable.

2 nights ago, i had a nightmare involving supernatural forces. Ugh. Is it another probe into my supposed blur self? I dreamt that i was in some hazy landscape (in singapore?) and i was holding a burnt piece of joss paper in my hand (i only realised this at the end), and i was skipping down a windy path with shady trees. (a premonition that something is following me?) This went on for sometime and when i was getting down a narrow flight of concrete stairs, a white figure passed the corner of my eye, but i chose to ignore it (acting blur?). It was halfway down the stairs, when the thing finally confronted me. She said "I am..." i forgot what's her name and her message, but it's got something to do with her being snubbed by me. It was only when i woke up that i felt scared. And moments before i went to bed, i remembered that i have that dream and i didnt dare to sleep. -_- the creepy feeling is upon me now. *shudder* *turns around to check my back*

Ah a nice long post! Im hungry. On to my relaxation! Though half the day is already gone. :(

mood: messy